Hvorfor jeg holdt op med at være føderal

Psssst, her er et lille tip: Næste gang en eller anden forsøger at bilde dig ind at EU er helt vildt vigtigt, og at du pinedød SKAL stemme til EU-Parlamentsvalget – så ignorer dem. Fuldstændig og aldeles. Tro dem ej. For de lyver for dig. Tillad mig at demonstrere.

Min højtelskede husbibel The Economist har en ypperlig blog de kalder ‘Certain Ideas of Europe’. I denne uge lader de et finsk medlem af Europa-Parlamentet, Alex Stubb, grifle løs omkring tilværelsen som MEP’er. Og lad mig blot spolere glæden for jer: Selvom den unge finne forsøger sig med selvironi og kække bemærkninger, så er det ikke særskilt interessant læsning. Det er fordi EU-Parlamentet er det mest uinteressante og ligegyldig penge-lige-ud-af-vinduet pseudodemokrati man kan opstøve. Jeg vil tillade mig at bringe et par citater fra hans beskrivelser af sin sindsoprivende 4. september:

7.00. The producer of the radio programme calls me to check that I am awake, at least physically. I brief her on the latest developments on the distribution of seats in the European Parliament. She promises to call me back at 7.15. I brush my enormous teeth.
(Men dog! Fordelingen af sæder? Spændende!)

8.30. Off to our traditional press breakfast. We talk about the distribution of seats in the European Parliament and next year’s EU budget.
(Men dog! Endnu mere fordeling af sæder? Spændende!)

10.30. Time to save the Baltic Sea. Some 50 MEPs get together to listen to a Nord Stream representative. He tells us about the gas pipeline which is to be laid down in the Baltic Sea. It was agreed by Vladimir Putin and Gerhard Schröder a couple of years ago. The representative is convincing, but the MEPs are not overhealmingly convinced about the environmental impact of the project.
(Hurra, Putin og Schröder vinder igen. Godt at vi kan blive endnu mere afhængige af russerne!)

11.15. The phone keeps ringing. Journalists are interested in the division of seats in the EP. So am I.
(……….fordeling af sæder? Herligt!)

11.30. The bell rings. Time to go and vote. The plenary boasts two new lightboards. They are funky. They even show you a graphic on who votes for (green) and against (red). We vote on the single market, inland transport of dangerous goods, and better regulation, among other things. The world is a better place after the votes, at least that’s what I tell myself.
(iiiih! Nye lystavler? Spændende!)

11.55. The votes are over in record time. We often sit and press buttons and lift hands for the better part of two hours. The President of Portugal is scheduled to give a speech. I skive off to meet a couple of journalists. We talk about how to sell the EU to the general public. No easy feat. We turn on the cameras. I talk. And I talk a bit more.
(Hvordan kan det være svært at sælge EU når man beskæftiger sig med så livsvigtige sager som fordelingen af sæder i EU-Parlamentet?)

14.45. Time to prepare the Committee on Budgetary Control. I am wearing a black shiny suit, a black shirt and a lime green tie. A Spanish colleague thinks that I look like a pimp. I take it as a compliment…
(Nogle gange er ord overflødige….)

15.45. The institutional nerds of our centre-right political group gets together to talk about the seats in the EP and the negotiations on the constitution-turned-reform treaty. The room is full of former ministers. I feel humbled.
(Nææææh! Sædefordeling? Lifligt!)

16.30. The BBC’s Today programme gives me a ring. They ask me to participate in a live radio chat tomorrow morning. I am flattered. Must call mother- and father-in-law in Solihull. They might want to tune in. I stress the word “might”.
(Ak, end ikke hans svigerforældrene synes hans job i parlamentet er spændende!)

22.00. Back in the hotel. Nothing like ending your day with a good book and bad TV.
(Så sandt, så sandt!)

Magen til navlebeskuende snik-snakke klub skal man lede længe efter. Det er da godt at de årligt kan bruge 1,26 mia. kr. på at flytte parlamentsmøderne frem og tilbage mellem Strasbourg og Bruxelles. Money well spent, må man sige. Lad os SÅ få set på den sædefordeling.

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